(On the site rated the worst on the Internet by some dumb chick who emailed me)

Last Updated on 3/30/2009. (First Update in 4 Years!)

I want to have a kick-ass pirate name - A name that no one would mess with.  My pirate name would be BigBallz Longdong. (Thank you Steve for announcing this to the world, at my wedding...)

I want to have my own big boat of pirates.  My boat would be a commandeered cruise ship that I'd name the Kareydune, and I'd be Captain B. Longdong.  Marie will be the special envoy to civilization and in charge of crisis intervention. Ashley would become the High Princess of Longdong, and perform the blessing of the pizza crusts. Tony & Holly would be along for prisoner torment and lifeboat/piano maintenance respectively (Although alas they'd be kept separate). Karey would be my first mate, and Steve would be number one.  Same yet different.

I want to have a special band of cognitive pirates formerly led by Ryan and Lakshmi but now led by me (for a few more months)  Cognitive pirates are no different from regular pirates, except they get to pursue fictional items known as a "thesis" and a "dissertation" and an eventual "job where I can make enough money to justify my years of post-graduate education".

I want to wear an eye patch, even though I have 2 good eyes.

I want a big-ass bird (like 4 foot tall) sitting on my shoulder.  His name would be Dingdong.

I want a pirate hook, but instead of losing a hand for it, Ill just carry a mean looking ice pick.

I want a peg leg, but dont want to lose any of mine.  So Ill get 2 peg legs that Ill use like stilts to make me 8 feet tall.

I want My boat to have lots of fun activities for my pirate crew.   All-you-can-eat buffets and shuffleboard at 5.

I want my crew to take over any ships that had food on them, take the food, and make the crew of those ships walk our plank. Our plank wouldnt dump you into the ocean no it would dump you into a vat of our choice condiment (Sour Cream, Mustard, Relish, etc)

I want to make Steve in charge of the Pillaging The Women and Raping the Fields division.

I want to make Female Mud Wrestling to be a frequent pastime on my boat (at Steves suggestion).

I want to teach courses named Beginning Swashbuckling and Intermediate Looting.  Marie will teach Beginning Jumping around and saying Argh.

I married Karey and she became First Mate Karey Longdong.

I want my entire crew to say Good Morning Capt. Longdong when I walk by (In the mornings, of course).

I want my Pirate flag to be a skull and crossbones, but instead of the skull, I want a white smiley face.

I want to bring Kareys dog Sparky so he can bark at absolutely everything.  He would get the pirate name Sparky Scaredong.

I want to also bring our cat Oreo, so she can lounge around the ship and cause any of my prisoners with allergies to sneeze.

I want to take people prisoner and force them to entertain me and my crew with magic tricks and Broadway production numbers.

I want to take Steves dog Cleo and make her the official Kareydune Fortune Teller.  She can read my fortune daily and tell me whats in da cards. 

I want to resurrect Dave Thomas and hang him on my mast, and have him film Public Relations commercials promoting piracy and warning others that they can be pirates, but not as good of pirates as Captain Bigballz Longdong and his crew.  He will wear a white shirt and red tie.  In some of the commercials he will work on a fictional pirate ship named Lendys.

I want my crew to all use the same threat when taking an enemy prisoner.  They are to say Don't make me Cock, ARGHH, my large pistol and place it in your face. This is admittedly a bit corny and a stretch for a joke, but it's my website so there.

I want a big statue of me made and I want to sneak over (in the middle of the night) to the statue of Liberty and replace it with mine.  We would rename the landmark the Statue of Longdong, and dump the statue of liberty in one of the islands in the 1000 islands (theyll never find it).

I want to then auction off the Statue of Liberty on Ebay (Our ebay member id will be LongDong4u or LongDongDirect), and use the money to purchase all the soccer balls in the world.  Which we will then destroy all of them, (this ones for you Steve, and this time we ain't saving any)

I want to create LongDong Slivers, where we would serve slivers of fish and other foods.  Service would be crappy, but not as bad as Lendys.

I want Marie to be in charge of strip-searching new passengers and at her request, spanking them accordingly. It actually worries me that this last part was at her request...

I want Tony to have the official title of Evil Underling and be given the name Tony the barbaric.  He'd be buzzing around all me captured prisoners laughing menacingly and taunting them.  Nonstop 24/7.

I want Holly to become an official member of the crew (Given the pirate / Indian name Runs with Scissors)in charge of counting the lifeboats daily, and dancing on all the pianos.  Extra money if she can do it simultaneously.

I want all those on MySpace and Facebook to realize that I made Pirates fashionable before any stupid applications were written or those somali's started doing it just to get in the news.

... I want to tell GoalGuarder1@aol.com that I wasn't too happy with their choice of pirate name (Captain Kidrape... there can be only one captain) and I'm glad he can scream loudly.*

... I want to tell gregory_hein@hotmail.com that I'm not too happy with his pirate name either (Captain bigcock) as it blatently rips on my name and as I informed GoalGuarder - there can be only one captain.. duh.  Back to midshipman's class for you.*

... I want to tell Liam that, while I am leary of his previous captain's legitimacy and boat name, Smugglin' Jim Bluebeard is an actual name I'll allow.  Congratulations Jim/Liam, on being nice to people when they have something you want, and on being the first international pirate as far as I know to visit these here pages.