(On the site rated the worst on the Internet by some dumb chick who emailed me)

Last Updated on 8/13/2005.  New / Updated Items marked with Pirate & Parrot Clipart

… I want to have a kick-ass pirate name - A name that no one would mess with.  My pirate name would be BigBallz Longdong.

… I want to have my own big boat of pirates.  My boat would be a commandeered cruise ship that I’d name the Kareydune, and I’d be Captain B. Longdong.  Marie will be the special envoy to civilization and in charge of crisis intervention. Ashley would become the High Princess of Longdong, and perform the blessing of the pizza crusts. Tony & Holly would be along for prisoner torment and lifeboat/piano maintenance respectively.  Frances would be there too, but I'm not sure what she'd be doing yet...Karey would be my first mate, and Steve would be ‘number one’.  Same – yet different.

... I want to have a special band of cognitive pirates led by Ryan and Lakshmi.  Cognitive pirates are no different from regular pirates, except they get to pursue fictional items known as a "thesis" and a "dissertation" and an eventual "job where I can make enough money to justify my years of post-graduate education".

… I want to wear an eye patch, even though I have 2 good eyes.

… I want a big-ass bird (like 4 foot tall) sitting on my shoulder.  His name would be Dingdong.

… I want a pirate hook, but instead of losing a hand for it, I’ll just carry a mean looking ice pick.

… I want a peg leg, but don’t want to lose any of mine.  So I’ll get 2 peg legs that I’ll use like stilts to make me 8 feet tall.

… I want My boat to have lots of fun activities for my pirate crew.   All-you-can-eat buffets and shuffleboard at 5.

… I want my crew to take over any ships that had food on them, take the food, and make the crew of those ships walk our plank. Our plank wouldn’t dump you into the ocean – no it would dump you into a vat of our choice condiment (Sour Cream, Mustard, Relish, etc…)

… I want to make Steve in charge of the “Pillaging The Women and Raping the Fields” division.

… I want to make Female Mud Wrestling to be a frequent pastime on my boat (at Steve’s suggestion).

… I want to teach courses named “Beginning Swashbuckling” and “Intermediate Looting”.  Marie will teach “Beginning Jumping around and saying Argh”.

… I want to marry Karey and she could become First Mate Karey Longdong.

… I want my entire crew to say “Good Morning Capt. Longdong” when I walk by (In the mornings, of course).

… I want my Pirate flag to be a skull and crossbones, but instead of the skull, I want a white smiley face.

… I want to bring Karey’s dog Sparky so he can bark at absolutely everything.  He would get the pirate name Sparky Scaredong.

… I want to also bring Karey’s cat Oreo, so she can lounge around the ship and cause any of my prisoners with allergies to sneeze.

…. I want to take people prisoner and force them to entertain me and my crew with magic tricks and Broadway production numbers.

… I want to take Steve’s dog Cleo and make her the official Kareydune Fortune Teller.  She can read my fortune daily and tell me what’s in da cards. 

… I want to take Karey’s most annoying brother, and place him hanging from the crow’s nest.  He would be the living warning to everyone to not mess with Captain Longdong.

… I want to resurrect Dave Thomas and hang him next to Karey's most annoying brother, and have him film Public Relations commercials promoting piracy and warning others that they can be pirates, but not as good of pirates as Captain Bigballz Longdong and his crew.  He will wear a white shirt and red tie.  In some of the commercials he will work on a fictional pirate ship named Lendys.

… I want my crew to all use the same threat when taking an enemy prisoner.  They are to say “Don’t make me Cock, ARGHH, my large pistol and place it in your face”

… I want a big statue of me made and I want to sneak over (in the middle of the night) to the statue of Liberty and replace it with mine.  We would rename the landmark the Statue of Longdong, and dump the statue of liberty in one of the islands in the 1000 islands (they’ll never find it).

… I want to then auction off the Statue of Liberty on Ebay (Our ebay member id will be LongDong4u or LongDongDirect), and use the money to purchase all the soccer balls in the world.  Which we will then destroy most, (this one’s for you steve, for britni) but save some (for megan).

… I want to create LongDong Slivers, where we would serve slivers of fish and other foods.  Service would be crappy, but not as bad as Lendys.

… I want Marie to be in charge of strip-searching new passengers and at her request, spanking them accordingly.

… I want Tony to have the official title of “Evil Underling” and be given the name “Tony the barbaric”.  He’d be buzzing around all me captured prisoners laughing menacingly and taunting them. 

… I want Holly to become an official member of the crew (Given the pirate / Indian name “Runs with Scissors”)in charge of counting the lifeboats daily, and dancing on all the pianos.  Extra money if she can do it simultaneously.

... I want to make Ryan in charge of the "usage" department.  This department would ensure that we adequately use all of our plundered booty and that the former cruise ship, Kareydune, is utilized to its full potential.  Translation: Ryan will be the one enforcing the new "Limbo down the plank under the burning bar" game.

... I want to make Lakshmi in charge of verifying that all mixed handers act like mixed handers, and strong handers act like strong handers.  She may use persuasion and/or a chainsaw to fulfill this goal.

... I want to tell GoalGuarder1@aol.com that I wasn't too happy with their choice of pirate name (Captain Kidrape... there can be only one captain) and I'm glad he can scream loudly.*

... I want to tell gregory_hein@hotmail.com that I'm not too happy with his pirate name either (Captain bigcock) as it blatently rips on my name and as I informed GoalGuarder - there can be only one captain.. duh.  Back to midshipman's class for you.*

... I want to tell Liam that, while I am leary of his previous captain's legitimacy and boat name, Smugglin' Jim Bluebeard is an actual name I'll allow.  Congratulations Jim/Liam, on being nice to people when they have something you want, and on being the first international pirate as far as I know to visit these here pages.

  ... I want to award the somewhat odd rank of under-j to Diane, who will be hence forth known as dmaccaroni-monkey, whatever significance that has.  She'll also be incharge of coding the data and searching the high internet seas for information relating to our pirate activities.  Argh!

That’s All I want (For Now)

                                                                                                                Jon

                                                                                                                (Soon-to-be Capt. Bigballz Longdong)

Want to be on this page (Like the people with * next to their "I want" statement above)? Email This Application to captain@beapirate.com

Capt. Bigballz Longdong’s

Official Pirate Application

Name: _____________________________________________________

Desired Pirate Name*: _________________________________________

Address / Phone #: ___________________________________________

Work History

Previous Pirateship: ___________________________________________

Previous Captain: _____________________________________________

Previous Rank: _______________________________________________

My job most easily classified as (circle):  Looter           Navigator        Captain’s Parrot

            Guy who said Argh!                 Lawyer             Swashbuckler

Other Qualifications (check all that apply):

_____   Annoying Guy at Party

_____  Enron Executive

_____  First Lady of the U.S.

_____   Thief

_____  Murderer

_____   Ax-Murderer

_____   Ax-Murderer who said Argh a lot.

In my spare time I enjoy… (i.e. pillaging the women, raping the fields, drinking cappuccinos): ___________________________________________________

I am usually nice to others… SOMETIMES    OFTEN           ALWAYS        NEVER           ON TUESDAYS            WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING I WANT

I would consider myself a good pirate because…         I CAN SCREAM LOUDLY               I ENJOY WORKING WITH OTHERS                     I ENJOY CHALLENGES

Please submit this to your recruiting agent, and await a midnight-caller bearing a torch, eye patch, and parrot to arrive at your door.

* all pirate names must be approved by Capt. Longdong